Therapeutic Journey

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” —Laurell K. Hamilton

It was not easy to understand  that feeling. I felt choked. The breathing was getting difficult as if the air was not sufficient to breathe. It was definitely not sadness. I had been sad before about things but this was something else. Something which was not easy to explain to anyone, something which was giving me a desire to DIE.

It was the first alarming bell for me to realize something was wrong. Something needed external help. something that is inside me and I didn't know how to deal with it. At first it was not easy to accept that I needed a counselor for this problem. The first battle I fought was with myself.  I had only two options. One, I go to a counselor and help myself to overcome this or try to run away from something which is inside me. I tried for more than an year but the later one was almost impossible.

The first session was alright. When I say alright, I mean there is nothing special mentionable about it. Actually whenever we goto a doctor, the expectation is that it should and will start getting better from day one. and when it doesn't, we  start losing confidence in doctor and treatment.

After my first session, I was also going through this feeling. But I set my target for 3 sessions and decided if I don't start feeling better, I would discontinue after 3rd session.

But the the patience I showed during initial sessions, made things easier at later point of time for me.

There were times during my sessions when I actually and truly didn’t want to visit my doctor because there were things I never wanted to talk about. When she started digging deeper in those areas (which I was covering for a long time), I first got nervous, then irritated but finally I got very comfortable talking about it. I realized that I owned all those emotions which I had been avoiding for a long time. And when I actually started accepting my own emotions, It became very easy to deal with sadness because I knew I was sad.

For me it was an experience of finding myself. Sometimes we just avoid the wounds which are not shown on the body because we can cover them easily. But it is more hurtful and people who have gone through this must have realized that it impacts physically as well.

By sharing my own experience, I hope that people who are going through such situations, will realize that every wound needs to be healed and especially wounds which don’t bleed are more dangerous and needs more care.